ACTION BRONSON vs THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD IN A BATTLE OF THE BRAG

 

DISCLAIMER: I’M EXPLAINING MY ABSENCE AT THE VERY END


Action Bronson is one of my favorite rappers of all time.  He’s got an all-star lineup of producers sampling oldies for him, he’s practically rapping the life of a cartoon character and he’s got this lovable image and aura about him that makes it impossible to shrug him off.  Part of Bronson’s persona has always been the art of the brag: telling everyone that he’s just that impressive — even if he claims it’s not a show and that this is really happening.

“I never brag and boast, I’m fire out the dragon’s nose”
(from Silverado off of Blue Chips 2, 2013)

There are few people with more interesting or bold claims than Bronson; one I think pairs nicely with him is the former mascot/spokesman for Dos Equis XX — The Most Interesting Man in the World.  In what may be my dumbest article yet, I face the pair off in 5 categories to determine who is truly the Most Interesting Man in the World.

My apologies in advance for lack of pictures of The Most Interesting Man.  He’s literally only got pictures of him drinking Dos Equis, so I had to make do with what I had.


TRIAL I: VIOLENCE & PHYSICAL STRENGTH

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I figure the best possible way to kick off a fight between two legends of the brag is to see how they brag about a fight.

THE MOST INTERESTING MAN’S CASE:

He’s the one who taught Chuck Norris how to do Karate.

Teaching people Karate is hard as hell.  You need patience, knowledge, an eye for mistakes and the ability to take a ton of punches.  Teaching Chuck Norris Karate is likely just as hard, except he’s Chuck Norris; he kicked a Horse in the chin so hard, that horse’s descendants became known as giraffes.  If you taught a man how to do that, there’s no two ways about it.  You’re a savant.

ACTION’S CASE:

“Asian shooter with the blonde hair, Street Fighter character
Fuck around and suplex ’em through the salad bar”

(from La Luna off of Blue Chips 7000, 2017)

Action fires back pretty admirably with this.  Action compares himself to Rufus from Street Fighter and then talks about Suplexing someone through a salad bar.  With Action’s frame and build, it’s difficult to lift anything up and over you while also falling backwards.  There’s not a lot of build before the fall for his opponent unless of course he bridges the suplex, and let’s be honest, he’s bridging the suplex.  He’s Action Bronson.

Also, it’s likely Action owns real estate in Suplex City, evidenced by this video literally titled Action Bronson’s top 5 Body Slams.

Regardless, Bronson’s proficiency in dumping fools back into the crowd and putting people through the Romaine Lettuce isn’t enough to beat out the Student/Teacher pairing of Chuck Norris & The Most Interesting Man.

EDGE: THE MOST INTERESTING MAN (1-0)


TRIAL II: GARDENING & BOTANY

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THE MOST INTERESTING MAN’S CASE:

His garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the Bermuda Triangle.

In the last 100 years, the Bermuda Triangle* has been responsible for somewhere within the ballpark of 1,000 deaths among both sailors and fliers alike.  Now, what we have to assume is that The Most Interesting Man is likely somewhere within the ballpark of 60 to 80 years old** — so if he’s got more than 1,000 deaths within his garden maze and can convince people to keep coming to attempt to navigate it, he’s more than a master at gardening — he’s the result of loading your RPG character with 100% charisma stats. However, this doesn’t show how good he is at gardening; just how good he is at making really complicated mazes.

*This is a rough estimate at best, aggregated from a number of Bermuda Triangle-related sources.

**This is also a rough estimate at best.  The Most Interesting Man could very well be immortal — in which case his body count would be endless, and I’d have to redo this entire section.

ACTION’S CASE:

“I might hang off the side of a mountain to trim a Bonsai”

(from Bonzai off of Blue Chips 7000, 2017)

In a power move from Bronson, he claims he’s going to hang off of the side of a cliff face (likely with his legs) to cut the leaves off of a Japanese houseplant. Either that, or he’s just so poppin’ now, that he’d go to extreme lengths just to trim the fat from his plants because he’s in a position to.  Either way, the entire gesture is nothing short of incredible. Pruning Bonsai at an expert level (which is the only level Bronson operates on) takes years to learn how to do, and hanging off a mountain is something most people are too scared to do anyway.  A symphony of the two (while also combining Action’s enormous frame/weight) is astronomically more impressive than cutting a bunch of dead-ends in some hedges — regardless of how many bodies it may have captured.

EDGE: ACTION BRONSON (1 – 1)


TRIAL III: LINGUISTICS & FLUENCY

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In our constantly evolving global social economy, it becomes more and more important that you’re able to communicate in more than just one tongue.

THE MOST INTERESTING MAN’S CASE:

He speaks every single language in the world, including three that only he knows.

This is fucking impressive.  According to the Ethnologue there are 6,909* languages spoken in the world right now — at least that are known of, recorded and acknowledged.  This isn’t to state all of the dead languages that were never adopted or the languages spoken by remote civilizations.  On top of that, over 2,000 of those 6,909 languages are only spoken by less than 1,000 people — meaning that not only is The Most Interesting Man incredibly versatile in his speaking-skills, he’s also in 2,000 very elite clubs of people.  However, it’s not always possible to count Bronson out when it comes to his social strengths.

*i’m unsure of if 6,909 languages includes the three that only T.M.I.M. knows.  So it might be 6,912.  i’m not sure if the Ethnologue acknowledges his languages — although if I think anyone could convince them to, it would be T.M.I.M.

ACTION’S CASE:

“All I do is eat oysters,

and speak 6 languages in three voices”

(from Actin’ Crazy off of Mr. Wonderful, 2015)

Well, except for maybe here.  While six languages is impressive (it actually classifies you into a set of people referred to as “Hyperpolyglots”) it’s not even close to The Most Interesting Man’s 6,909.  However, Bronson does claim he speaks those languages in three voices — meaning he’s likely up to 18 separate languages once you factor in delivery and dialect — English in a New York Accent is very different from a St. Louis accent.  Regardless of how many personas Bronson can pull off while flexing his vocal cords, it’s no match for The Most Interesting Man.

EDGE: THE MOST INTERESTING MAN (2 – 1)


TRIAL IV: CHARISMA & STAR POWER

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The question isn’t IF they’re charismatic, it’s who is MORE charismatic.

THE MOST INTERESTING MAN’S CASE:

He gave his father “the talk”.

This hits a soft spot for me.  My father didn’t even give me “the talk”.  It was given to me in a sex-ed class in the fifth grade because parents weren’t educating their kids well enough — and so in a giggle-riddled classroom, the same woman who had been teaching me about prepositional phrases boring me to death was now bringing up riotous laughter by saying “penis” and trying to be professional.  It’s so difficult for parents to have this talk that they forgo it entirely — but for The Most Interesting Man, he’s able to give his own father the talk.  This is difficult to judge — because for The Most Interesting Man, he likely had The Most Interesting Father in the World — who would have given the talk to his father.  This may just be a case of tradition within the family and although it’s very impressive when isolated, it isn’t that cool when you compare it to everything else The Most Interesting Man can do.  

ACTION’S CASE:

“I’m qualified to speak for my attorneys, address the Jury in a Shaq Jersey (black one)”

(from Hot Pepper, off of Blue Chips 7000, 2017)

But hell, if it doesn’t give some great competition to this.  It is so deeply frowned upon in legal settings to represent yourself if you’re not educated in the law — it’s foolish, misguided and often one’s ego not believing their lawyer has their best interests in mind.  To deny your Public Defender usually means you’re not a trusting person.  To not take advantage of your attorneys’ (attorneys. with an s. you hired multiple.) legal right to speak for you would be unbelievably stupid — unless you’re Action Bronson who is so far ahead in the year 3017 that he’s not only able to speak in their place, but he’s able to then address the jury in what is to be believed is a 2008-2009 Phoenix Suns Shaquille O’Neal jersey.  The amount of gusto, swagger, pizazz, hubris and absolute fucking charisma it would take to pull that off and then beat the case would be nothing short of astronomically impressive — just slightly more impressive than if you were to be able to give your father “the talk”.*

*it’s worth noting that if you were to give your father “the talk” in an 08-09 Shaquille O’Neal Phoenix Suns jersey, it’d be unquestionably more impressive in every single category.  The Most Interesting Man wins here if he did it in that jersey.

EDGE: ACTION BRONSON (2 – 2)


TRIAL V: PARTNER in CRIME

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Every hero needs a sidekick and regardless of how crazy your stories are, someone has to be by your side to corroborate them.

THE MOST INTERESTING MAN’S CASE:

A single 16 ounce bottle of Dos Equis XX Special Lager.

Now usually I’d immediately give this one a 0/10.  Dos Equis’ XX Special is pretty awful by all standards whether casual or serious — it’s not heavy OR light, it’s unspeakably bland, the flavor is boring and sweet and on top of all that, it sticks to your palate so you’re forced to keep tasting it.

However, this is the beer of The Most Interesting Man in the World and as a result of that, it’s got something special to it.  It might be the source of his power.  Drinking it might give you the power of The Most Interesting Man.  However, every time The Most Interesting Man is pictured/recorded, he’s in the same spot, in the same outfit and in the same exact level of where his beverage is.  It’s quite possible he’s infinitely replenishing his supply of brew, but it’s also likely that he hasn’t taken a sip of it yet because it’s fucking disgusting.  Maybe he used a supernatural power of his to make it worth drinking.  Who knows.

ACTION BRONSON’S CASE:

“But enough about me, and more about myself.”

Big Body Bes

A true jack-of-all-trades Albanian who goes by the name of Big Body Bes.

This should be where the clean sweep happens.  Big Body Bes is Action Bronson’s “Albanian Cousin” — a term of endearment for the pair’s very similar ethnical backgrounds that result in a beautiful marriage of subdued bragging (a la Bronson) and absolutely aggressive shit talk (a la Body).  Body’s appearances on albums are few and far between; he doesn’t spend a lot of time making his presence felt.  His verses are spoken word about how fucking real he is (which spoiler alert: he’s very real) weaved around the end of Bronson’s songs as metaphorical punctuation marks.  There’s something absurdly charming about a man excited to have marble floors that are imported from Connecticut.  There’s something subtly terrifying about a man who, albeit new fame and riches, still (allegedly) does stick-ups with a screwdriver.  There’s something incredible about that this man is allowed to coexist with Action Bronson in such beautiful harmony as they do.  A far more beautiful harmony than Dos Equis and The Most Interesting Man.  

Plus, he wants to die by machine gun.  He’s down to die.  You’re scared to live.

WINNER: ACTION BRONSON (and BIG BODY BES) (3 – 2)


It was a long-fought battle by both sides that came down to the wire.  And even though the score at the end says Bronson took this fight 3-2 — it’s probably said in some ancient folklore somewhere that The Most Interesting Man has never lost anything in his life and that he just wins in reverse.

You can follow me on Twitter @culturedboy and the Site Twitter @nevercultured to be the first to know when a new article goes up.

I’ve been gone for a number of days because of health issues with someone very near and dear to me — in turn, I’ve been going back and forth between home and North Florida to take care of them and that’s likely not going to change anytime soon.  I’m going to do my best to get content out when I can on the usual schedule of Sunday to Friday when I have time, but that’s sparse.  I hope you understand and keep reading the shit I do here, because it’s real fun to do and I enjoy when people like the work.  Thanks, guys.  -James